Print Article 7/4/2006 Posted by Lou Poor 12345 Best

Are Pink Elephants Driving These Pachyderms Mad?

An innkeeper’s most important job is to encourage temperance, and in order to act responsibly we sometimes have to give a guest the bad news that they will not be served. We’re used to getting a wide range of responses, but even the most determined bartender would be intimidated by the situation reported out of Assam Province, India.

Herds of wild elephants are running amok, damaging crops and destroying huts as they look not for peanuts, but for beer—although they do go well together.

The huge pachyderm herds attack small rural villages, sending residents fleeing for their lives. And flee they should—in the last two months five people have been killed by thirsty elephants.

“The villagers saw the elephant herd and fled their homes fearing for their lives. The same herd is terrorizing people in nearby villages as well, damaging their crops and properties,” said a local official about a recent elephant herd’s apparent “Blitz for Schlitz”.

As reported in a previous dispatch, the tradition of home brewing is alive and well in places all over the globe, and this remote area of India is apparently a strong part of that heritage. Somehow these massive mammals found out about the hut-brew, and their determination to fill their trunks has created chaos thoughout the area.

“We have noticed that elephants really relish guzzling the rice beer which many tribal people and tea garden workers ferment at home,” said a noted elephant expert and teacher at a local college of veterinary science. I can only assume the Indians are concocting some seriously good home brew (note to self: get that recipe).

Conflicts in Asia between humans and elephants have increased markedly in recent years as we continue to encroach on the elephant’s habitat. In the last 5 years alone about 150 Indians have been killed during elephant rampages, making it even more dangerous than Fraternity Row on Saturday night…probably.

So a toast and a cheer from bartenders everywhere: to those brave Indians risking all for their right to brew and hoist their very own pint…Hip, Hip, Hooray!

But if you need help telling irritable elephants they will no longer be served, you’re on your own.

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